When it comes to theories surrounding the possibility of a higher power, I like to keep an open mind. Although I’m 100% convinced that both God and Satan exist.
What other explanation is there for that spontaneous side-splitting one-liner you delivered in front of a massive group of people, making everybody laugh, when you’re not even a funny person? Easy. God inserted it into your brain for shits and gigs. And it’s almost certainly science-fact that when you’re late for work, in a rush, and tip an entire tub of cotton buds onto the floor, Satan pushed it.
Dogs? God. Hippos? Satan. Rainbows? God. Wars? Satan. Beyonce? God. Jazz? Satan. Cheese? God. My big fat ass? Satan. I could go on, but that’s probably all the proof you need. Rumour has it God and Satan were bored one day and colluded to create YouTubers, but we’ll see how that unfolds.
So whether you believe in a traditional ‘clouds and pearly gates in the sky’ vibe or that we all reside within a super high-tech simulation I think we’re agreed that there must be a God. But who is he or she? And does he or she live among us?
I’ve never been sure, but this week I believe we may have been handed a clue and God’s mask slipped – for a second – to reveal that our holy father is in fact an American celebrity from one of the world’s favourite sitcoms, and an OK film about talking babies.
And isn’t it a sweet, sweet irony that Stephen Hawking himself uncovered the biggest and best-kept secret known to humanity?
He died, this week, aged 76. And a bloody good innings it was, too. The web was unanimous in its adoration for his superior mind and more recently avid defence of the NHS. Yet, amongst the tributes sat a curiously coded comment that had Twitter raising its collective eyebrows. Kirstie Alley had something to say:
Several hundred people all at once branded her heartless in a moronic, ignorant display of sexism. Why sexist? Because not one of these trolls was willing to admit that a woman – Kirstie Allie – could be the ultimate supreme being, living on earth. She was literally thanking him for his efforts towards driving change upon the very world she created. Think about these six things:
1. When I run a workshop, during office hours, and someone leaves early, I’ll generally thank them for their input. Especially if they contributed a great deal and helped to create some positive outcomes for the wider group.
2. Anyone that knows anything about God knows that God has a plan. Stephen Hawking, with his smarts and his maths was probably a really significant part of that plan, and created some extremely positive outcomes for the group (i.e. the world’s population).
3. However, everyone also knows that Stephen Hawking didn’t believe in God, so at the moment – and likely for a while – he’ll refuse to talk to Kirstie directly. This is why she chose to share her comments on Twitter, because he might check that first.
4. In 2016 Alley was quoted as saying: “I am not a Christian but believe in God. And I respect Christians and learn from the Bible.” This was her first subtle hint to all of us… She bloody knows that God exists! It’s her!
5. She literally transforms the way she looks THE WHOLE TIME, like a God would.
6. She was in a film with John Travolta.
Alley doesn’t thank any old celebrity for their input. Just the greats. Heartless? Of course not. With around 50 million people dying each year, if you’re God, you’re likely to become a little desensitised. Plus she’s fully aware that Hawing’s on his way to an excellent afterlife, so she’s like: “why would I be crying? He’s about to get an unlimited supply of stuffed crust pepperoni pizza, non-stop hugs and new episodes of Friends literally every hour.” HE’S ON HIS WAY TO HEAVEN, FFS.
Now do yourself a favour. Go over to Kirstie Alley’s timeline and read her tweets with fresh eyes; eyes that see her for what she really is: a divine super-being.
I don’t know any of this to be true, it’s just a theory, but I’ve been through the evidence with a fine tooth-comb for the last two days and I can’t conceive of any compelling counter-argument, nor has anybody been able to put one forward.
Combine this with the news that Katy Perry is Satan, unloading her wrath onto the religious community, and I think we’re pretty close to one hell (pun intended!) of an impending showdown. This is it, guys. The apocalyptic battle the big books warned us about. Alley versus Perry. Good versus evil. Right here on earth.
And you know what? My money’s on the only woman who was powerful enough to resist the sexual advances of Sam Malone.